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The BIG in the tiny of the INfinite Unknown...

Updated: Jan 5, 2022

The most difficult Truth to bring to Light with others is my own very intimate relationship with Jesus. I found Him withIN me when I was very young. I didn't call Him Jesus. I just called Him friend. I don't remember exactly when I realized this. Ever since I can remember, there is this flashback of being pushed in an umbrella stroller picking flowers apart in my hand, fascinated at it & all the one's around me, and this feeling of inexplicable awe & wonder being right there in all of IT. I always feel like I should both scream for joy & melt into a puddle of sobbing tears. It is a strange feeling that often hits me unexpectedly out of the blue. When my daughter was 3, I had perhaps the most difficult conversation to have with another parent. The Truth, I had & have both discovered & uncovered withIN myself, can feel like it is killing you inside & just won't stop. At that time of immense revelation, I was working with a small home school cooperative in North Florida called Cross Pointe. And my friend Kim Davis is the one who shared with me such deeply heart hitting Truth, it shook me fierce & completely to the core, utterly awakening me again. Truth does that, keeps reawakenINg me. This is the depth & breadth of what she shared with me (sitting in a parking lot with me crying, saying, I "should have never...") She sharedher heart, soul, & her young wisdom: We cannot ever keep our children from getting hurt by others, just like we cannot ever keep ourselves from getting hurt, nor from inevitably not knowing that we may even hurt our own children & even be hurt by our parents, unbeknownst to them, or any one in a moment of time. We are all humans, we are ALL fallible. Most times we have no idea what we are doing, especially when it comes to being an ever child learning & trying to also be a parent. That first moment of becoming a parent is so painful, so frightening, and at the same time a love so inexplicably overtaking that through the screams that fill the air, a still & powerfully strong & inexplicable unconditional love, for that tiny moment held in the memory of forever, quiets all screams, as you gaze into THOSE EYES. Everything in the Whole Wide of EVERYTHING disappears as tears stream from welling eyes, vanishing all pain in an instant with a rush SO unforettable, both theirs and yours. The first phrase I remember saying is OOOOOH My God, I love you SO much. When my heart was screaming, OH my God, please help me, I have no idea what to do right NOW. Then that tiny one just took hold of me & began rooting around, sniffing me out, and grabbing hold of my most tender parts, my left breast it was every time, with all 3 bringing the swirling rush of mixing emotions. Those tiny soft nails are also very sharp. From that moment forward, we, the two, just wing it one heart beat, one breathe, at a time...seeking the feeling I have only felt then that I knew already so WELL with my imaginary Friend... the hands & feet of Jesus through the hearts of the most inexplicably compassionate love, we even say to scared to death in new unexpectedness. We truly both can & cannot mess UP, the process just happens & when you first lock gaze with your first child, you just automatically FEEL a love SO deep & SO wide completely consume everything of who you thought you were. When it hits, you just know it. That is precisely the heart of The Creator IN YOU, that both would do anything for you & your baby & let you both freely go into your & their fathers arms at the exact same time. They will cry out every single time they need you, no matter what, the wailing will seem earth shattering to you to hear in the quiet of night when you are dead asleep. A gasping comes over you & you just are compelled to move, before you even really are awake. It's okay, the stupor that is & call it so, both your hearts & souls will know exactly what to do, so much so they will be beating in time together as one with the other. When you see & feel truly compassionate & pure Unconditional love, that is the heart of Jesus through human hands & human feet, so tender, so soft, so kind, so electrifying, so shocking, so scarey, & yet so comfortable we simply say we are walking on air. I have found that the Holy Spirit moves & does not take up camp inside any human nor hold them bound there in that time nor in that place held in a space of time that is as thin as air...poof it's there then poof it's gone. Yesterday I was heading out to go to the overlook near my house by a prompt of my husband whisking in & out on a quick stop n' go through the house, who said you just gotta go to the overlook and see. I heeded, then arrived there, and the whole valley from these peaks vantage point looked like it was lit on fire, as if Atanta was burning all over again. Atlanta has been burned, living history books give details that range the gamut of anything & everything you dare yourself to imagine that only got to those pages by way of experience. I have always loved to pick things apart, especially flowers. I just love seeing inside. But I also hate hurting them knowing that in doing so I pluck it too soon before it is ready to live out its life. When is a flower ever ready to be picked? Truly never, every part of a flower's life is needed for it to go to seed, to push forward life again & again, which does not happen until the flower has completely consumed itself into seeds that do not resemble its flower form in any way shape or form, but some how with just the right recipe of needs fulfilled, mother earth draws it from its incapsulated darkness to become a flower again that shockingly looks the same...but isn't the same at all. I just know that everyday when I look for Him he is there, but never, ever looks the same from here. In my mind He looks the same, Pure Light with an outline of a human. I remember others laughing at me & my imaginary friend they could not see, could not hear, could not feel, & that I had no other name for except my invisible friend that I most definitely could see, hear, feel, & touch as I played what appeared to to others all alone by myself talking to myself. I do remember that many times in my life. My everlasting friend who is ALWAYS there with me. I still speak outlook to Him, but as whispers in my shower & often through singing in the simulation of rain. Trying to bring this into words to express to others is both frightening & vulnerable...some human friends when I was yiung would push me down & throw things at me until I'd bleed even when I screamed please, please stop your hurting me, what did I do to you for you to do this to me? I eventually learned I could actually stand up and throw what they threw at me right back at them. But then I would feel bad having done that. Not to mention they in turn obviously did not like the taste of their own medicine & go running blaming me for defending myself. Defending myself does not feel good at all. And is why my heart feels such a deeply inexplicable love & the deepest pain & suffering I cannot explain when I hear what feels like suffering souls screaming from blood poured out of them spilled unto the earth. I lay here in the Sun, warm yet shivering, still yet shaking. My throat tightening as I hear my invisible Friend say, "Speak my child, speak UP. Please speak for us ALL who cannot be heard." It's frightening to be a bold sinner & speak my experiences of both the hells & heaven's I have created by none other than myself daring to speak the truth. People just don't believe you even when you do. So in reading so, so many words I cannot ever dare count, gifted by MANY authors across time unfathomable, I find flecks of gold that feel like God coming through the air. Yesterday; as I kept trying to go to the overlook realEYESing I forgot to put on shoes first, then forgot to get my shoulder back with keys, then forgot a lighter, because I love to smoke an American Spirit when I am at the over look. And as I said, what in the hell, get it together girl & just GO already. I came out the door and the wind picked UP seemingly out of nowhere. I heard a sound, turned to the right, and the wind hit me with such familiarity it was so undeniably my invisible friend looking SO huge SO bright and gushing forth out of the blue. I felt the deep urge to just stand there & hold on to the moment & the warmest rushing feeling pouring IN & through me just like the Sun feels on your face when a gust of wind comes UP out of nowhere...but accompanied with every happiest moment I have ever felt... right at a time I was picking & tearing myself apart for running around in circles trying to hurry so I don't miss seeing. When all of a sudden I hear STOP, turn here, & just look UP for a moment. I then just felt THAT RUSH that no words ever can ever express. Try as hard as I might, even till I am both blue in the face & fiery blood boiling in my veins... I can never live up or down, facing any way I may with any emotion nor look upon my own face to describe the only Friend who has been with me every breath I have ever taken, even my "last" at 2 times, once being when I woke myself out of anesthesia & another laying upon my own altar in the form of a medical exam table with the tech saying, "OH my God child, I thought you were gone! Oh thank God thank God, are you okay. I must have pressed your vagus nerve by accident. I am so sorry. Are you okay?" I couldn't speak, my heart & my chest just hurt too bad and for so long after that, whenever I even think of this feeling compounding my chest, I feel like I am gasping & sobbing for billions of souls. Yes, I suppose I appear as a lunatic to many. Jesus appeared as a lunatic to many, too, & sadly still does to this day. My bestest friend who has never not been there for me is a lunatic. What should I expect? He couldn't change any one even when he was visible, and He knew it. I learned as a young child, I cannot change any one, not even my little brother into my cousin too excited for my friend across the street to meet her, that I dressed my brother up as if he was her. He made such a great looking girl she believed us, but of course only at first....she said nay your kidding. He said no I am... and we had fun together for about 5 minutes before the cat flew out the bag. Truth is not something I ever want to keep secret. It is books & quotes that I often find solace & it doesn't surprise me that my love for all languages seeps even to the point when I am speaking with someone with an accent that I will uncontrollably practice their sounds with my own voice...I simply INjoy it when there no words needed because we don't speak the same language & we just hug trying our best to comprehend one another through our heart & soul's language. It is only in the Gospels & through the words left by others that Jesus comes out of the invisible & into the visible to me in the book. But it is in real life that He flies out of the binds of the book, off the pages, & right INto living breathing life. You see, I arrived at the overlook...to meet someone i had never yet met, Lewis. We looked & INjoyed the sounds & excitement swirling around us. We were not the only sun gazers there that day. We spoke about things on our hearts. He shared with me losing his wife to cancer six years ago & his dog two years ago. When it was time to go we hugged a nice long hug, & he said wow no one has ever hugged me like that can I give you another one? Are you from around here? No, not really, but yes, just right on the other side of Sharp Top Mountain, not born nor raised here, but love it all the same. Which from that vantage point, looks like you could pick up Aharp Top & put it on like a party cap, but is a long treacherous walk from there if not driving out of the way by car. Yes, it's a long way Home & I gladly will drive it, walk it, run it, & pretend I am flying all the way Home. I am not just talked about as if a lunatic, but IM am both flighty & with a heavy foot. 😅😂🤣 Musings on a Monday that I dunno, just may resonate with some one, or not. I just follow through, answer when I AM called. And I love writing, giving & receiving notes in the classroom spaces of life such as this. That same friend, Kim, gave me a thank you note once that said thank you for being the hands & feet of Jesus to me & my family when we needed some one in an hour of most great need. When I opened it, read it, I couldn't help but say, if you only knew me more you would not liken me to Jesus. She said your not, you just simply carried Him inside you in a time of my need....that is who Jesus is, He carries us through one another in our times of need. Instances in time like gold...until we realEYES we are ALL just humans acting as if we are fools not to think we are all just lunatics at times when we think any one will ever change because of something we say or do. Experience itself is action in motion. And it's in those few rare moments I can literally only count on one hand where another human has for a moment in time, worth a whole chapter much less a verse in my journals of journals written nearly all in my heart with invisible ink, has swept me away to Heaven & then brought me back to earth feeling as light as a feather. Until you experience Heaven on Earth, in a gaze of fresh born eyes, there is no way to describe that feeling of pure Unconditional Love to any one who has yet to experience it FOR themselves. When given by babes in adult bodies. The first time you don't even know what hit you, until after you find you actually hit on way too hard. Yes, I learned I hit back to hard come ons like a girl, too, which isn't good in this world if you want to keep yiur basket from being ripped apart. So I took self defense classes, more than once. I ALWAYS use my words first. But then...it is God who only knows what will happen if my loudest words ever cease to cause some one to stop harming me or causing malice to any one for any reason at all. Only twice have I ever needed to resort to my knee & my fists. I have no idea how God will use me today. But in a few hours, I am off to Jacksonville, Fl where I met Kim. I am SO excited about the conference I am attending & all those I will get to meet there. And it is my friend's I am MOST excited to see, so much so I am both going early & coming back late. But when the next two weeks are over...they will be but more life lessons & awe-mazing memories, whatever comes to pass, I never travel alone even though it appears to others as if I do. 🌸p


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